May 26-June 8, 2019 (still catching up)
~ MEGHAN ~
Since the beginning of this whirlwind of process work, one of the initial themes that presented for me to work on related old patterns in romantic relationships (stemming from false belief systems in my mind keeping those patterns in tact). Under those belief systems lay iterations of “inner children” who got caught in the crossfire, and wounded by something that resulted in so many trapped emotions of fear, guilt, self-doubt, etc – they actually started to believe them.
Getting Underneath the Rescuer/Martyr Archetype…
One of my long-standing patterns is a combination of rescuer/martyr archetype, which often shows up subconsciously as finding myself in relationships where there is an unhealthy one-sided or co-dependency.
Digging under this one has been tough to see (thankfully the process guides us along whether we can recognize all the puzzle pieces immediately or not – many blind spots in the mind). When belief systems and habits are this deeply rooted in a consciousness (I can even spot my trying to “manipulate” boys into liking me as far back as the third grade – trying to offer some dangling carrot since me on my own would clearly not be enough according to my insecure child’s mind).
These structures have been releasing slowly but steadily, one segment or layer at a time. This one was a biggie, and I had no idea what was trapped underneath.
Which Led to a Structural Layer of Guilt…
When processing this rescuer archetype, I found a tremendously strong layer of guilt sitting on top of me. Thick, palpable, heavy. Filtering my ability to see clearly, and oppressing my recognizing my right to be myself, make choices, and set boundaries when they were not in my best interest. This is especially important for people who tend towards a rescuer/martyr/people-pleaser defense structure. Guilt is purge-able, but we’ve got to recognize it for what it really is.
We do the best with what we have at a given time. That includes emotional state, accessible information (spiritually/emotionally/etc), and just trying to survive. If we are going through life and make a mistake (or series of mistakes) that ends up hurting others, an initial feeling of guilt is a healthy, natural reaction.
Feel it fully, as a note to learn from the misstep and choose to make another choice going forward. Take ownership (both within the self and to the other if appropriate). Once that’s done, forgive yourself (recognizing that you likely didn’t have all the information or emotional capacity at the moment to make a different decision) and let yourself off the hook. Let it go. Do the same for others when you’re on the receiving end of the accidental effects. This is healthy.
What is unhealthy is a continual need to self-punish, consciously or unconsciously. I have a personal theory that this tendency results from roots of old religion, but regardless, the tendency is a bigger deal than it appears.
If a person shows they feel guilty about something, it tells the world they own the mistake and show remorse. Add that to an already existing construct of insecurity, martyr tendency or built-up shame (or an environment that told someone they were “wrong” or “bad” or “not good enough” consistently) you have perfect conditions for a guilt structure. That’s why so many people walk around with it without even fully realizing it.
The way to get through a blind-spot guilt structure starts like anything else- set the intention to recognize it and align yourself to your spirit’s highest truth. This should begin to shed light on it, show what it’s rooted in and connected to, find inner children, etc that will allow the process to continue.
For mine, releasing it was rough. I did my best to coat it in love (which always helps) but it was just a lot of thick, calcified depressive guilt energy that I didn’t really realize was there (it’s on the subconscious level so I wasn’t feeling it in the day).
Usually these structures end up becoming layers actually protecting something underneath it. The next morning after purging that huge layer, I discovered what had been under there (which, like the jealousy purge, I was not feeling nor resonating with at all for years).
Which Led to Purging Squishy, Sad Loneliness…
Loneliness. A feeling of separation and hopelessness that I would never be loved the way I want to be, never will have someone just want to be with me, and I would forever be sad and alone.
This was interesting since again, I have not been walking around feeling that way. But it was obviously in there, and has moments where it’s been triggered up by catalysts. But to feel it in such a strong back purge emotional loneliness bubble was a bit surprising (and intense!)
At least I knew I was purging (which is why the container of the work is so helpful!) During the purge, I got what I thought was a higher self feed from Zach’s spirit (it came out of nowhere like the last one, but I was purging so it was hard to tell what was what). It had to do with the physical touch/affection thing (that I’d been craving and trying not to) and how his defenses on it still hadn’t been looked at.
Which Wanted to Be Loved Up…
From the purgy space, I interpreted that to apply to me, assuming that it had something to do with me always being the one sitting in the background not communicating clearly, and since was this quasi “practice relationship” thing (minus the sexual aspects obviously) it made sense to me that his hard lines on physical touch, specifically in relation to the people he cared about the most (a known issue) were affecting what would be happening naturally.
My love language (when it comes to relationships) has been affection/physical touch, so it felt like an unnecessary wall that was affecting me and I was staying quiet on it, like I’ve historically done. And since (again, in my purge mind) I didn’t have the other outlets he did (with other people) accessible to me at the moment, that it felt like wasn’t fair that I wasn’t getting what I thought I needed (again – natural physical touch affection – not sexual).
Real talk, I’m having a lot of trouble writing this right now. The energy from this purge has very much leveled out and my vantage point is much clearer from here, but I committed to give you the play by play, even when it’s embarrassing (this one felt particularly shameful after the fact) but I proceed. Also know, when I talk about physical touch/affection craving – it’s not sexual-esque. It’s just affection like close friends/family might do with each other. But my crave on it was a tell that the need for that is deeper rooted in something else I’d need to look at.
But – back to live process. Once the purge subided, I assumed I was done, and I was riding in the car with Zach. I did what we always do – told him about my purge. I felt a little emotional and purge-y then, but didn’t think it was still active. I was so wrong.
And Wasn’t Getting What it Wanted…
Basically the way it came out was that he needed to work on his physical touch defense issues because it wasn’t fair to me (short, impactful version). I honestly don’t even remember what I said – it came out like a drunken word vomit except that I was sober (well, purging sort of counts since it’s so emotionally confusing sometimes). Either way, I could tell by his stunned and silent reaction that whatever I’d said was not cool.
We had an obligation to take care of that couldn’t wait, so I basically had to suspend my fear that I’d inadvertently purged and projected all over my best friend and may have ruined everything. This is also a feature of old patterns, since we’d just gotten this clarity on the depth and beauty of our dynamic and it being a rare gem on Earth.
Historically – as soon as something starts to look like there’s “potential” (remember – practice relationship, healing and crumbling old patterns through this process) I tend to get weird and intense and needy. Then the real me isn’t present enough anymore and the person goes away, leaving me with the self-fulfilling prophecy that validates the false core belief that I’m not inherently loveable nor good enough.
He was being cool enough to try to mitigate that fear, but still. I was internally freaking out. And apparently still purging.
And Projected and Purged All Over Zach
Like, I walked into the bathroom and felt a burst of cold energy come off my body kind of purging. Had to do energy work and sing myself Icaros (Medicine songs) silently to support myself. Rough, to say the least, especially since it was several hours in a space I didn’t really have to just do it.
When we got in the car, the rest of the purge launched. We didn’t talk – I was just crying and rocking energetically as it came out (he’d obviously figured out by then that I was not done – and had been actively purging the whole time and didn’t realize it). As soon as we got to my car I was quick to flight – short bye and then home.
We talked briefly later (just to reassure each other on some level that our entire friendship would not be destroyed by this one incident) and planned on talking the next day once we each had a night of sleep. Oh, I forgot to mention I’d been running off of three hours of sleep three nights in a row, which obviously didn’t help.
I’ll let Zach take the rest of the story from here…
~ ZACH ~
At first when I heard Meghan telling me the purgy Higher Self feed, my knee-jerk reaction was, “I don’t owe you my body!” (which has been a theme for me for many years – even though I know she didn’t mean sexually). So, I figured it would be a good idea to hold off on the conversation since we only had about five minutes until we arrived at our destination.
Once we were settled in, I took one look at her and realized that she was purging. So, I was like, “ Oh, of course.” We left and I held space while it came out on the drive back to my house.
Physical Touch and Affection Lockdown
Though Meghan’s feed was filtered through the purge, there was truth nestled within it. I still have a wall up on connecting with people. If you buy into the love languages thing that came out years ago, mine is physical touch. Over time, I’ve slowly put that part under lockdown, unless I’m a wee bit inebriated and I shall then caress your unsuspecting face (which is telling). Much more so with strangers than people I actually care about (even more telling).
After our night of reflection and much needed sleep, we (naturally) talked the next day. I realized that it had also been hitting on old shit about my gayness. Once again, the other shoe drops and my gayness is an issue. Once again, Zach isn’t allowed to be gay. Once again, I have to act more straight. Once again, I need to rethink yet another spiritual path. Once again, I can’t just be me. (There is a long story that involves me going to Australia with a group focused on God’s love and loving people after I fully accepted that I’m gay. When I got there, they were trying to do some conversion therapy shit on me, basically.)
Gayness is in the Way of Connection, Again
I mean, I knew that’s not what was happening intuitively. Sometimes things trigger another thing (remember the annoying child and then me wishing my dad had loved me better lol) and that lets recognize what you’re holding onto and work it out.
I expressed these things to her and she was incredibly receptive, of course. We were both in a clear space. I also told her, “This is what we do. I never want there to be a time, purge or not, that you can’t tell me whatever is going on. Our friendship was never in question and that’s the whole point of us and our space. Open, honest, and sometimes fuuuuuucking uncomfortable conversations.”
And We Both Get to Work Through it and Heal
She reinforced that I do not owe her my touch (funny part of a later blog just fyi) and that she very much wants me to be myself and loves me as I am.
If I haven’t expressed this enough, I love the space that has been created (and Meghan ain’t trying to make me straight). Yes, have friends and we have been honest with each other in the past and they are all incredibly valuable to me. This space has a uniqueness of “when it’s presented we talk” instead of holding onto something until it explodes.
~ MEGHAN ~
The aftermath of this one was very important for me. While I’ve been finding my footing with trying not to judge my feelings and respecting and loving Zach for who he is, there was a part of me that needed to fully align to the highest good of our dynamic. Frankly, I hadn’t thought about the potential long-time trigger on the gayness forever being a “problem” in regards to relationships (straight privilege at its finest) Once it came out, I felt like a terrible ally, and grappled with quite a bit of guilt around it.
Time to Learn and Realign
So I did what I know how to do – I set some serious intentions (out loud, in a way that resonates so it will actually work). I set intentions to come into our true, natural dynamic in a way that respects and celebrates both of us who we are, where we are. And going back to the OS (what we call “Original Stake” – our ‘stake in the ground’ of practicing authentic communication and connection so we can learn how to do it for our potential future relationships) this concept is extremely important.
Learning how to celebrate another, even if it may require certain personal “sacrifices” (too strong a word, I just don’t have another one right now) is what unconditional love looks like. Being willing to ‘zoom out’ into the larger picture where all love remains (regardless of dynamics, relationship formats, and society norms) is what it’s really all about.
These intentions proved vital to the shift into what was coming next…stay tuned, and thanks for riding this out with us! Love you guys!