Judgements and “Selfishness”
Just a little follow-up to yesterday’s post… So I was talking to my boyfriend (babydaddy/partner/whatever you want to call him) and as I was venting my hurt/anger at what I was perceiving as judgment, a new level of clarity regarding selfishness came out.
Whether the judgments from the outside are real or just perceived through my eyes doesn’t matter, it really is just reflecting my own judgments about myself. Bringing them into what I perceive is physical forces me to sit and feel judged (my own fear.)
Facing My Own Judgements and Fear
So more or less, the Universe and Medicine are guiding me through a “facing of my own fear” process, in order to sit in them, come to terms with them, and release the energy, so it can free me up to pursue my next levels of intention.
This particular one has to do with being “selfish”. I put this in quotes, because the very nature of this term has a connotation of judgment affiliated with it. In the system most often used in Western society, there is often a choice between “selfish” or “selfless.”
Selfish is bad, selfless good. But one spin of the word “she is “taking time for herself” vs. “she is self-absorbed” mean two opposite things. And it seems, the goal is that we are to shoot for being as selfless as possible.
I have been accused of being selfish before. You write a blog about yourself all the time. Yep, I do. That’s all I know – my own perceptions and my own ponderings about life, God and integrity. Would it be better I research and write about someone else’s perspective? I could, but better they just write it themselves.
I write this blog half for myself, because it liberates me to be “out there” and not in hiding, and half for anyone else who it may spark a thought process towards liberating themselves in some way or another. In the end, what does anyone really have to give other than themselves?
Thinking about the terms “selfish” and “selfless” – if you were to pull the judgment off of them, which makes sense to me, all you have left is “inward focused” and “outward focused.” In the end, I don’t actually think there’s a real difference, since we’re all one anyway, but that’s too esoteric of a concept for right this second.
Overflowing with Love and Energy
On a basic, human level, it seems to me that when one is thriving, overflowingly abundant with energy, money, time, whatever, most people quite naturally want to share that. I know I do. Whenever I have extra money I’m way quicker to tip big, buy lunch, help out a friend.
It’s just money, I don’t care when I have enough. Same with energy. When I’m overflowing with energy, I’m loving doing process work with people, and just basking in Life and it’s beauty.
But when my cup isn’t full, that’s the time for me to be inward. I MUST be “selfish” while I let the faucet drip back to full. These are the normal ebbs and flows of life, and especially while pregnant, a certain amount of hibernating seems totally natural to me.
Cup Isn’t Full
I realized quickly I couldn’t do process work during this stage of pregnancy. I was already out of balance with it before, doing it for free and spending quite a few exhausting hours on it per week, to the point of resentment – so I knew that had to come into balance (got that clarity in Peru.)
And I came back and the Universe impregnated me (through my boyfriend) and sapped all my energy so that I cannot physically/energetically process people. I can’t hold space worth a damn! I can barely hold up my own space, I get toppled all the time by other people’s energies and emotions. To claim I can do that kind of work right now is not only out of integrity, it’s irresponsible.
So does that make me selfish? No. That I am clear on. And what if it did? What if it turns out I am over the society-created line of what “selfish” means? Does that mean I’m a bad person? That I don’t deserve love? That I don’t deserve to be here? It goes back to the “paying your dues” lesson I got in Peru – our existence is enough.
I am Enough
I am enough, hot/cold, selfish/selfless – it doesn’t matter. Giving out of a sense of “duty” or “obligation” is out of integrity to me, it’s not coming from a true place of desire to give. And you can’t fake the energy. You can try, but it doesn’t mean it’s authentic.
I would rather get no Christmas presents except the one that someone was super excited to give me. I swear the People-Pleaser ego mechanism is getting seriously knocked out of me – maybe never to return? Would that be so horrible?
So it doesn’t matter what a person thinks. It doesn’t matter what you all think. It matters if I am okay with the space I am in, for myself and my own integrity. That is the lesson they are trying to teach me – and not just for this moment – for life.
Be who you are, where you are. It will keep shifting and evolving, closer to our integrity if that is our aim. Can we not judge ourselves in the process? Maybe implore the “no beat yourself up” rule? My ego is starting to care less and less, the more I recognize it as my own ego.
Outside catalysts only trigger me when I have a weak spot. Now I can see it. And I’m tired of the headspin. So I’m gonna go ahead and be selfish for awhile until I don’t feel like it anymore:)
~ Meghan Shannon Elder (@beyond_meghan)
Ayahuasca Preparation and Integration Specialist at Beyond the Ceremony
Accelerated Spiritual Development Coach at Beyond the Whirlwind
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